Speed-Dating Musical Leads to Speed-Divorces
“Date of a Lifetime” has successful reading — but then all hell breaks loose
Ken Davenport Theatrical chose “Date of a Lifetime” (book and lyrics by Carl Kissin) as the first musical to grace their prestigious developmental series. The show, which starred Farah Alvin (Nine, Marvelous Wonderettes) and David Josefsberg (Les Miserables, Altar Boyz), follows two singles at a speed-dating event.
In a disconcerting turn of events, the audience connected so fully with the characters that every married person in the crowd immediately got divorced. In the words of one, “Until I saw this, I never knew speed dating was so much fun. I had to ditch the old ball and chain just so I could go try it.” Said another,” I thought speed dating was painful and awkward. What I learned in Carl’s musical was that a person can go to one of these gatherings and sing witty lyrics as a means of self-expression or seduction. That’s the kind of life I want to lead.”
Carl immediately apologized to all the families, but is concerned it fell on deaf ears as he has not received any holiday cards.
Date of a Lifetime was directed by Jeremy Dobrish, with a musical score composed by Robert Baumgartner Jr.
Kissin To Reveal Secrets of Bad Parenting
America Awaits His “Not-Know-How”
Carl Kissin, a Dad for more than 4 years, intends to reveal the full incompetence of his parenting “skills” at Cornelia Street Café Saturday, August 21st @ 6 PM. “I’ll be doing monologues and stories about my incompetence as a father,“ said Kissin without apparent shame. “The good news is that other top-notch comedians and parents will be performing along side me and they might actually know something.”
The show has been eagerly anticipated by some, but dreaded by child psychologists who believe it will inflict permanent developmental damage.
Kissin Teaches Kids Too Well at A.N.D. Improv Retreat
Children Leave Parents and Follow Carl Home
Carl Kissin just returned from a week in the beautiful Catskill Mountains, where he taught improvisation to children ranging in age from 5 to 12 years old at the Artistic New Directions Master Improv Retreat. The lessons culminated in a brilliant performance by the energetic young troupe, “Creatable Kids.”
Shockingly though, when it was time to go home the children refused to get in the cars of their parents and demanded to stay with their teacher. As one child put it, “why return to ‘clean up your room and do your homework,’ when this ‘Comedy Carl’ guy lets me pretend to be an alien speaking in gibberish all day long?”
Said an exhausted Kissin, “I loved working with them more than I can tell you — they are phenomenally creative young boys and girls — but I may have to tell them I’ve become a lawyer just to get them to return to the families to which they belong.
Artistic New Directions has improv retreats in both July and August every year at the Full Moon Resort in Big Indian, New York. Needless to say, children are welcome
Kissin to Teach Improv to Kids at Catskills Retreat
Carl Kissin has taught improv to the elderly, the middle-aged, and twenty-somethings, but never have so many been so concerned as when they learned he would be instructing their kids. John Davis, a spokesperson for Parents of America, expressed his disapproval, “children are naturally spontaneous — they don’t need additional learning in that realm. Far more useful is intimidating them into sitting still and memorizing facts.” Despite threats, protests, and a mass exodus of everyone under twelve years old in New York State, Carl intends to do it anyway.
Artistic New Directions Master Improv Retreat
Full Moon Resort
Big Indian, New York
July 19th – 23rd, 2010
Honorable Mention Awards Cement Kissin’s Legacy Of Mediocrity
The West Village Musical Theater Festival awarded Carl Kissin’s musical, “Date of a Lifetime” (Composer: Rob Baumgartner), Honorable Mention in the categories of Best Original Script, Best Lyrics, and Best Musical. “When it comes to finishing second, I’m first!” said a beaming Carl, “and that makes these awards really special.” Carl also deeply appreciated that festival organizers Patrick Wickham and Katrina Ylimaki invited him back for next year. “They said if I tried a little harder and really focused maybe I could get third place next time around. These are the kind of positive role models I need in my life.”
Kissin Joins Village People
Creates musical for the West Village Musical Theater Festival
He had long admired the costumes, the characters, and of course the consummate musicality, but until recently Carl never imagined that he would be asked to be one of the Village People. Then his dreams came true – he was asked to participate in the West Village Musical Theater Festival, a series of mini-musicals which will be presented at the Wings Theater, 154 Christopher Street, June 10 – 13th. Said a confused Carl, “I had already written book and lyrics for my monologue “Date of a Lifetime,” when I found out it wasn’t those Village People. Nonetheless he is thrilled to be a part of this wonderful event.
Spurious “Solo Show” Involves Audience
International Association of Solo Shows Outraged!
Carl Kissin debuted his one-man show, “No Solo Mio” (director: Ari Kreith) at the Jackson Rep Theater. Each night however, the show involved the participation of everyone in attendance.
As part of the dozen or so “monologues” in the evening, audience members sang, read fan letters, created plot lines, and learned English as a second language.
Although the theater-goers and reviewers had a great time, the International Association of Solo Shows objected vehemently. “This is an outrage,” said President and sole member Juan Uno, “a solo show is supposed to be one person. One! I run a one-man office. Do you see a secretary here or an I.T. guy? No. It’s just me and I’m desperately lonely – please stay for a while. I have a large jar of pretzels and a water cooler with color-coded hot and cold faucets. We can share.”
Forbidden Kissin Confesses All At “Forbidden Kiss”
Reveals Secret Shame!
Carl Kissin had long enjoyed his gigs at Forbidden Kiss: the Erotica Series. He loved being part of a show that provided a venue for sexually themed material — steamy stories, burlesque, comedy sketches and monologues.
But all that ended recently when he confessed the dark secret he had been hiding from the cast. “I couldn’t live a lie any longer,” said Kissin.
So one night after the show he blurted out, “I also do PG-rated shows.” The cast looked agog.
Clad in skimpy outfits and holding scripts filled with heart-rate increasing tales of prurient encounters, they collectively wagged their fingers at Carl, shouting, “Sell out!” “Family man!” and worst of all, “Disney-ite!”
Said a chastened Carl, “they no longer speak to me, but I still do the show. I sit in the green room, alone in a corner, hoping that one day, performers such as me, who are bi-comedic — capable of doing both erotic and family material — are accepted as part of the mainstream.”
“Forbidden Kiss: the Erotica Series” occurs every third week at Stage Left Studios. http://forbiddenkiss.info/
Monologues and Madness
Doctors Prove There Is A Link
Although “Monologues and Madness,” a show dedicated to the art of the spoken monologue, is one of New York City’s most enjoyable events, health advocates say beware.
A report published today in the New England Journal of Medicine conclusively demonstrates that monologues do indeed lead to madness. Dr. Morris Nuttiman explained: “we believe the damage comes from the fact that monologues involve only one character talking. Human beings are inherently social creatures. When you take away the reality check that another person interacting with you can provide — mental instability is almost sure to follow.”
Carl Kissin has been a regular at this show that features some of New York’s best actors and writers trying out new work (as well as the occasional classic) in front of packed houses. When informed of this, Dr. Nuttiman said, “that’s even more proof what we’re saying. That guy [Kissin] is mad as a hatter.”
Monologues and Madness occurs the first Monday of every month at the Cornelia Street Café, 29 Cornelia Street (Greenwich Village), between Bleecker and West 4th.
Kissin “Steroid” Scandal
Tests positive for web-based ego enhancer
Professional athletes were already reeling from allegations of using performance-enhancing drugs, but until recently, comics had escaped detection.
All that changed when Carl Kissin began dabbling in websites. “I just wanted to keep up with all the other actors. I knew they were doing it and I didn’t want to be left behind.”
As he started to create one page after another highlighting his career and accomplishments, Carl felt bigger and more powerful, but kept ignoring the growing danger of extreme self-involvement. “There’s no question it’s a rush. I mean essentially, on these pages, I am Lord Carl, a loving God, knowable to those who would know me.”
The ego trip came to a screeching halt when he realized that all the promotional hype didn’t actually make him any more talented. “It was rough. I had posted a lot of great quotations about myself as well as some cool pictures, but on stage — same old me.”
Carl got cleaned up and went back to the hard work of writing, performing, and teaching. “I left the web site up as a reminder to others that while it may seem cool to be me, ultimately, you are who you are, even if that’s depressing.
Kissin Wins Manhattan Monologue Slam
Awaits death threat after playing Arab character
Carl Kissin won the November installment of the prestigious Manhattan Monologue Slam, a once a month acting competition judged by top New York talent agents and casting directors. He took first place playing a character of Moroccan descent, but was disappointed that no fatwa calling for his death was forthcoming.
“I like to be controversial,” stated Kissin. “Salmon Rushdie writes a few satirical pages and has to go into hiding for several years. What about me? I’m satirical. I could hide. Why isn’t anyone coming after me?”
Informed that a writ demanding his assassination was unlikely given Carl’s previous work emceeing an interfaith evening aimed at promoting brotherhood among Muslims, Christians, and Jews, Carl said, “Oh yeah, I forgot I did that. Bummer.”
If you would like to see Carl compete in the year-end 2005 Championship slam, it will be held at the Bowery Poetry Club on Monday December 5th. Go to the Manhattan Monologue Slam’s website: www.mmslam.com for details.
Kissin Attends Master Improv Retreat
Frustrates Three Famed Improv Gurus
Carl Kissin recently returned from five blissful days at an improv retreat in the Catskill Mountains where he distinguished himself from his peers by being the only one to make no discernable progress.
The Masters retreat, run by Artistic New Directions, features classes and performances every day from 9 AM to 10 PM under the tutelage of three of this country’s most prestigious improv teachers: Gary Austin, founder of The Groundlings, and David Razowsky and Michael Gellman of Second City.
“These guys are legendary,” crowed Kissin, “anyone can learn from them — but I stayed stuck in my comfort zone, falling back on old tricks as well as my need to get cheap laughs — and that makes me unique.”
Kissin recommends the retreat to improvisers of all skill levels (there is a beginning and advanced version) and vows to return, “if I can go there again and stymie these guys the second time around, I’ll be legend.”
“Depressed, Depressed!” Has Happy Debut At Donnell
Authors Perplexed At The Irony
Donnell Library Theater – It was supposed to be this year’s “feel-bad” musical, but audiences who saw the one-hour work-in-progress presentation of “Depressed, Depressed!” (book & lyrics by Carl Kissin, music by D.D. Jackson), spent nearly the entire time laughing.
“You would think that the story of a comic named Neal, who has been dumped by the woman of his dreams, falls into depression, and struggles to raise himself from that psychological abyss, would make an audience cry,” said Kissin, “but I overestimated the sensitivity of theatergoers. Apparently in this callous and harsh world we live in, depression, a serious illness that often leads to Bergman films, passes for comedy.
Performed as part of the Donnell Library Songbook series hosted by the charming John Znidarsic (known in the Bible as he whose name cannot be pronounced), “Depressed, Depressed!” played to a full and uniformly enthusiastic house, very few of whom admitted using mood-elevating drugs.
Now wiser for his experience, Kissin reflected, “okay, so I guess a show about depression is a comedy, but next time, I’ll write a musical about kittens and puppies — hopefully that’ll inspire abject misery.”
Carl Performs Scholarship Benefit For Collegiate School
Diploma Revoked Afterward
PUCK BLDG., Carl Kissin performed three of his award-winning monologues at a sold-out scholarship benefit for the Collegiate School, the oldest school in the United States of America as well as one of the most academically prestigious.
Carl, who graduated from Collegiate at the age of 16, was shocked when the school revoked his diploma immediately afterward.
“We’ve now seen the kind of man Carl has grown up to be, and quite frankly it doesn’t reflect well on our institution,” said headmaster Lee Pierson. “We have produced innumerable leaders in their chosen fields and superb intellectuals, whereas Carl, just as in high school, is a ‘look-at-me-I-need-attention’ comedian. It was mildly amusing back then, but now — well, we feel it’s time for him to grow up, get a real job, make money, then donate it to the school.”
Asked if these events had soured him on his beloved alma mater, Carl replied, “By no means, no — I’d like my son to go there some day and also have the opportunity to disappoint them.”
U.F.O.’s Kidnap Carl Kissin
Make Him Do The Voice-Overs For Four Cablevision “Pay-Per-View” Commercials, Then Return Him To Earth
Hideous beings from a far away world called Longisland, used mysterious mind influencing beams to ensnare Carl Kissin into a LIRR train that took him to a recording studio where he was forced by aliens to record four commercial spots for Cablevision. The alien beings, clad in polyester and speaking a strange dialect called Longislandese, had also kidnapped Jim Harder, who plays the character Barney, while Carl played the pushy neighbor Jerry. It is believed that this commercial is currently being broadcast by a heretoforth unknown particle beam which is so powerful that the “Pay-Per-View” spots can be seen not only on the planet Longisland, but throughout vast expanses of the galaxy known as Queens.
My Wild Night With Tom Cruise
An Extra Confesses All
Hired as “special talent” for a scene in the upcoming movie Cocktail where a juggler was needed, Carl Kissin was unexpectedly asked to partake in an additional scene in which he would drive a taxicab that movie hunk Tom “Risky Business” Cruise was to get out of. “It became more like ‘Risque Business’ if you ask me,” said Carl when questioned about his dishevelled appearance.
All night long it was unrelentless insatiability. — “Drive harder Carl,” Tom Cruise would say, “go faster, yes that’s it, now back up, now go forward again. More, more, don’t stop.” Asked if he would press charges against the star, Carl replied, “I don’t think so. We had a nice discussion about Talk Radio, which he had just seen. Overall, Tom was a good guy, and he gave me a sizable tip.”
Carl Kissin Takes Over Role In Talk Radio At The Public Theatre
But Irate Father Still Wants Him to be a Lawyer
The riveting debut performance of Carl Kissin in Talk Radio, (predicted 600 years ago by Nostradamus), was marred today by a violent verbal barb fired mercilessly by the actor’s own father. Shocked bystanders reported that after the show Carl’s girlfriend asked Carl’s father, “Don’t you think Carl was great?” Whereupon the elder Mr. Kissin responded, “He was great, and he could have been a great lawyer too.” Carl, who had just taken over the role of Sidney Greenberg and six off-stage male call-in voices, was so stunned at his father’s refusal to accept his career choice that he confessed his long repressed dark secret, blurting out, “A lawyer? Never!
What kind of life would that be for me, Laurence Olivier’s illegitimate child.” Realizing that he had let the cat out of the bag, Carl later retracted that statement to save both families relentless embarassment.
WHEN THERAPISTS ATTACK!
Carl Kissin recently completed filming the part of a psychiatrist in the Independent film, “Hacks.” When he informed his own therapist of this role, the normally calm doctor flew into a violent rage shouting, “Don’t make fun of me! I don’t make fun of you and your stupid actor insecurities, do I? I don’t go around saying, ‘Am I funny? Am I too old? Is it possible for my head shot to be an accurate portrayal of who I am and yet also make me look devastatingly handsome?’” Dr. Zimmerman then chased Carl around the room, wielding a plaster bust of Sigmund Freud and threatening to split his head open into id, ego, and superego fragments. “Be a Freud, be very a Freud.”
Carl Kissin Brainwashed By Abusive Comedy Cult
Finally Deprogrammed After 4000 Shows
Critics from the NY papers raved about his performances. The Daily News said of him, “smacks of comic genius.” The Post’s Chip Deffaa called him a “superb improviser” and said, “no one thinks faster on his feet.” The New York Times raved, “doubly clever…the perfect master of improvisation.” But until last week, Carl Kissin had no idea that he was being held captive by Chicago City Limits. It was not until an agent named Rambo shook him violently and said, “I’m getting you out of this hellhole called improv comedy,” that he realized what had happened to him.
Brainwashed into believing that the show could not go on without him, he stayed longer than humanly possible. “They told me my family didn’t love me and that I should give up all my worldly possessions so that my salary wouldn’t seem so low,” sighed a now clear-headed Carl.
If you missed the Kissin era at Chicago City Limits, do not despair. Carl’s current performances are listed on this site under “Upcoming Shows.” On the other hand, if you always meant to see Sinatra at the Sands, it’s probably too late.